Loss

I know you're waiting for the Charlie post, and it's written, and you'll see it this week, I'm sure, but I feel like I need to talk about something else today.

Yesterday, youngest sister sent me a text message to let me know that a friend had been killed in an accident. Before you freak out about passing that kind of news via text and not on a phone call, she had to tell a large number of people in a fairly quick manner, and I have to admit, I probably would have done the same thing.

Actually, now that I think about it, I don't think I would have talked to anyone.

Really, I don't want to talk to anyone now. Which is why you guys are hearing about it.
What's interesting to me is that while Ryan and I were never bestest friends, I am absolutely devastated. I mean, my heart is broken and I keep crying and can't seem to snap out of it.

However, I think you need a little history here to understand:

Back HERE I told you about my family. What I didn't include were the number of 'extra' family members I have. I have moms and dads and siblings all over the place. And I have "moms" and "dads" and "siblings" everywhere, as well.

The family Ryan belongs to is unique, though. And, instead of trying to explain it all to you, I'll do it in a table:

Actual Family	Other Family
Mom	Mom & Dad
XO	B1
Middle Sister	-
-	Ryan
Favorite Sister	-
Youngest Sister	B3
LovelyGirl/ Little Brother	B4

Now, let me explain the correlations. My mother has been friends with this family for years. She had four girls, they had four boys. The unending jokes about how we'd all end up together were nauseating.

I went to school with their oldest son. And while we were never close, we were always friends. When he got married, I was there to coordinate the whole thing and talked his poor mother off the ledge. (To this day, she's still not a big fan of her daughter-in-law.)

Middle Sister did not have one of the boys at school with her. She fell right between the oldest and Ryan. However, we are of the opinion that she has actually slept with the three oldest ones. We have no confirmation on that, though.

Favorite sister also did not have one, either. But, she's as much a part of their family as the rest of us.

Youngest sister was actually BFF with the third brother. I don't think there were ever any romantic inclinations, but who knows?

Later, when we were all older, Mama S and my mom (and I, for that matter.) were all pregnant around the same time and we got the youngests of the families. LovelyGirl has her own "brother" who is also good friends with my youngest brother.

See how convoluted all of that is?

But that's how our families have aligned for years. We're always around each other. When there's an event, like birthdays or anniversaries or anything, we're together. I've gotten drunk with Dada and the three oldest boys (on multiple occasions). I've discussed raising teenagers with Mama. I held her hand when she cried telling me about her mother when she died.

This is my family, too. And I love them.

I talked to Ryan last week. And by 'talked', I mean "we communicated via Facebook" about something trivial. I still have the message just sitting there in the box. I think we've had maybe ten conversations in the last year.  Several of those were us talking smack about his brothers, the others were general discussions on how we were and / or his parents or mine. Nothing in-depth, nothing intimate, nothing special. Just the every-day conversations you have with the people in your life. His number is in my phone, along with all of the brothers, but now it's useless.

Ryan lived in New Orleans when Katrina hit. He was smart enough to evacuate when told to do so. He actually came and stayed with OldMan and I in our old house. We all sat around and drank and discussed what was going to happen, and he KNEW he was going to lose his shit. He knew his apartment would be flooded and he still just laughed it off. He had clothes, his dog and his truck, and he was good with it. That's one of the best ways to tell you about him. He had his dog and his truck, and that was good enough.


So, we come to the part about my unreasonable sadness.

It's not as if my best friend were gone.
It's not as if even a close friend were gone.

But I'm bereft. And I can't explain it.

When I got the news, I just thought "oh, my god, how incredibly awful". I think that's what I actually texted back to youngest sister. When she called, I was still shocked, but okay. As the conversation went on, and it wasn't a deep, dramatic conversation, it was just youngest telling me what she knew, I felt the sobs just creeping up. Once they hit, they kept coming. I felt, feel, still, so stupid being so sad. It's a loss, yes, but why should it be so hard?

I think most of it stems from my being so incredibly sad for Mama and Dada. When I went in to tell LovelyGirl, all I could imagine was what would happen to me if something happened to her. That set off another round of sobs. Poor girl. She just kind of stood there. She's known this family since birth. Mama and Dada came to see us in the hospital when she was born. Dada proclaimed her the loveliest of all of us, and I had to agree.

I'm sad, too, because he was a friend I have known for almost all of my life, even if I didn't see him every day. OldMan calls them 'randomly occurring friends'. You know the ones you can go months without talking to and then pick up right where you left off, and nothing's different, and you love them just as much. That's Ryan. And the rest of them, for that matter.


It's also terrifying that all he was doing was driving. Something all of us do every day. How can something so innocuous turn into something so tragic? An entire family is destroyed over the drive home from work. LovelyGirl drives. Is this going to happen to her? Is the next time not going to be a fender-bender, but a fatality?

Favorite sister accused me of being a sensitive person. I laughed at that and she insisted that it's why I feel so strongly about it. I think she called me Marshmallow-fluff. I laughed some more and felt a little more reasonable, but today, I'm all boogered up again.

I can not for the life of me pinpoint what the trigger is for this heartbreak.

OldMan offered to stay home with me today. I sent him to work. I have things to do and animals to feed and plenty of opportunities to keep busy. He called a few minutes ago and told me to call him if I needed anything or wanted him to be here.

When I first found out, OldMan was sitting right there. I didn't expect him to understand or even remember Ryan. But he did. Immediately. And even if I don't understand, OldMan seems to, and he's my rock. I know people say that, and usually it's a joke or a passing platitude, but my husband really is. No matter how far adrift I may be, he's still got me anchored safely.

At any rate, I do have things to do today, and I need to get to them.

I feel better for having 'talked' about this to you guys. Thanks for listening.

Tomorrow, we'll be back to sunshine and puppies.

Or bullshit and parrots.

Who knows.