For awhile, things were great. We were going along swimmingly, boss was happy, staff was happy, company was happy.
And then...
SHE came.
[insert scary music]
I should have known things were going to go drastically awry when I was not included in the hiring process for a new member of the staff. I wasn't included in the decision to even create the position. I'm not going to lie, my department was WAY over-staffed.
Well, by at least two or three people. But in our world, that was a lot.
So, out of nowhere, my boss comes into my office, closes the door, sits down in my visitor's chair and announces "I just hired the perfect person".
Uh...what do I say here?
Yay?
Good?
Great?
My actual response: "Huh?"
Her response: "WELL! IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE THAT WAY ABOUT IT..."
Folks, I remember this being the exact moment I started to question my sanity. And I'm really not exaggerating when I say that. I quickly tracked back to see if I could recall any movement, inflection, tic or twitch that indicated anything other than surprise or confusion.
As far as I could tell, there was nothing.
If that was the case, what on earth had caused her blowup? I had to be missing something, right? I mean, I know sometimes it's hard to understand how people react to something you've said or done, but I had no idea what would have caused that level of volatility. It's not like I'd thrown something at her head, like a stapler or feces. From what I could gather, I had simply stared blankly and made a monosyllabic inquiry.
At any rate, I calmed her down by playing the meek and tired card. I apologized for not being ecstatic and asked for information on who this amazing person was and what she intended them to be doing. I was given a name and a brief CV and told "I have no idea what she'll be doing, I just thought we could use some new blood."
I want to clarify here - we had just hired three new people in the last six weeks. Everyone was still in the honeymoon phase where we all got along and pretended that the annoyances were invisible.
However, she was the boss, and I had faith that she knew what she was doing.
Forever known as MISTAKE NO. 429,612a
Being the due diligence maven that I am, I Google'd the hell out of this chick. I found her Facebook pretty quickly. There were pictures of her drinking and carrying on and generally looking like a fun person, so I sat back and relaxed. If she could drink, she could be my friend.
Then she arrived, and folks, the chip on her shoulder was visible! VISIBLE! Like, a giant angry parrot that just swears and gives you the stinkeye. At first, we thought maybe she was just shy or maybe she just wasn't used to people like us. (Humans, that is.) We thought the stomping and complaining and door slamming would stop after she'd been with us for awhile.
That 'awhile' was the longest sixteen months of my life.
Nothing suited her. The way we did things, the laws we had to obey, the color of her desk chair (black) the temperature in the office.
Ha~! I'd forgotten. One day, the A/C went on the fritz for about a week and instead of shutting off at 65 degrees, it kept cooling us, and I think it got down to 60, maybe 58. Chill, definitely, but livable, considering it was the summer. There were some more serious (possibly life-threatening) issues going on at our facility, so we were relegated to the back burner for a few days. We all had windows in our offices that we could open to let in some warmer currents if needed. It wasn't that serious. The rest of the staff, directors and visitors just laughed and made jokes about going out of our way to keep the booze cool.
She called OSHA.
There was an investigation.
I was mortified.
Yeah.
Anna and Jim and I kind of stuck together. We realized that usually, she would avoid us if we were all together. If any of us were found separated from the herd, she would wrangle us into a corner and apply her rather sharp tongue to whatever was chapping her ass at that moment.
One afternoon, there was an impromptu meeting in my office between Anna, the boss and Mandy, our resident surly bitch. We were just tossing around some ideas for a couple of projects, and Mandy went OFF on Anna, stormed out, slammed MY door, then slammed hers.
At that point, the boss went off on Anna and I.
Please note, all I had done during the entire exchange was sit there with my mouth hanging open like a damn fish.
The following accusations were leveled at us:
conspiracy
inhumanity
cruelty
creating discord and discontent
I won't lie. The boss used none of those words. I don't think she knows what they are, to be honest. She used words like 'cow', 'bitch', 'gossip', 'cunt', 'bullshit' and 'idiots'. She was talking about us.
She threatened our jobs, our lives, our cars and for some unknown reason, our husbands. I think we both were too stunned to do much but cry. She informed us that if Mandy was not a happy girl by the end of the week that she would carry out all of her dire plans and we would rue the day.
For the next year, Anna and I kissed Mandy's ass, did whatever we could to make sure she had whatever it was she wanted, no matter how unreasonable, and basically took it in the ass like a couple of bitches. Jim tried to help keep the peace. He hated the conflict. It made him crazy. Bless his heart, he was the only dick swinging in our office.
The boss had effectively made my position obsolete with Mandy. Everyone else came to me for the things they were supposed to, but she went straight to the top every time. I really didn't care. I just hated that there was nothing I could do about it.
Then, finally, Mandy announced that she'd found another job and would be leaving.
I sat in my office and cried. I was relieved and felt like a 300-pound weight had been lifted from my chest. I was also terrified that somehow, her leaving would be blamed on me and I would be subject to the punishment I had been promised for having a staff member who was not pleased. As it turned out, the boss went on to claim it was all her idea for Mandy to leave.
She told me "I can talk anyone out of a job".
On her last day, Mandy came into my office and closed the door. I [literally] almost peed in my pants. I just wanted to run or crawl under the desk or do something to protect myself. Her entire presence was so atavistic to me that I was shaking.
After a very lengthy and heartfelt discussion in which she wanted to come clean with me, we discovered that the boss had been playing she and I and Anna off of each other. Whenever one of us went to the boss for counsel on how to deal with the others, she was giving us all different marching orders. Where she had told Anna and I to keep Mandy happy, she told Mandy she was to keep us happy and giving her tips on how to do that like "be assertive with them, they can smell weakness". Anna and I were told to be more aloof, that Mandy had stated she had no interest in making friends at work and that we would just make her uncomfortable by reaching out. I discovered that Mandy had been threatened a number of times herself and while were under the impression that she was given everything she asked for, she was actually being turned down and re-directed on the things she wanted to do. She thought Anna and I hated her for taking up payroll, but I let her know that her payroll wasn't even coming out of our department's budget. I explained my undying passion for the facility and why it was I was so staunch on making sure things were done well, she explained her OCD tendencies. We laughed and cried.
It was an enlightening discussion, to say the least.
Mandy left, and now that she and I are somewhat friendly, I keep in touch with her. She ADORES her new job. It's perfect for her. I have to admit, I'm a wee bit jealous when I think about what she gets to do every day. She's working not too far from my grandparents and a few other members of my family, and I have an open invitation to come for a drink any time I'm in the area.
Mandy's was one of the first calls I got when I left that last day. Her first question was "are you okay?"
Her next one was "how did you do it for so long?"
And the third was "can you take that bitch down?"
to be continued...
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